Originally published April 1, 2019.
Contains: accelerated weight gain.
It feels weird posting a story on April Fool’s Day that isn’t a prank story. It feels even weirder when you could call this my “comeback,” after a medical condition made it very hard for me to write for the past three or so months. The last thing I would want is for you to think my comeback is a prank, and that I’m not really ending my story silence.
So no jokes, no pranks: I’m back! And it feels so good to be writing and posting again. This is a simple, silly little story I wrote to get my metaphorical sea legs back. But there’s way more where that came from. I had so many ideas, and so many suggestions from other people, while I couldn’t write, and I can’t wait to finally put them into words.
Synopsis: Jake is browsing the candy at Sweet Dreams and comes across a chocolate bar labeled Instant Dad Bod. As he’s buying four, the cashier warns him to not eat more than one bar within a 24 hour period. At first, he obliges, and enjoys the comedic and surprisingly unsurprising side effects. But the next night finds his curiosity getting the better of him, and he finds out exactly why they warned him to not eat more than one so soon after another.
Sweet Dreams always had an interesting assortment of candy. Limited-time and regional releases, oddities and obscurities, and comically giant candy that seemed to make a better conversation starter than treat. But in all of his time visited Sweet Dreams, Jake had never seen anything quite like the bar of chocolate he held in his hands that afternoon.
“Instant Dad Bod” the label read. Below the title was a cartoon close-up shot of a man with his shirt lifted to expose a rotund abdomen. Jake looked at the impressively-large chocolate bar with raised eyelids as he tried to make sense of the branding. He was used to candy companies trying to dissociate their product from the effect it might have on one’s midsection, not embracing or flaunting it.
Trying to learn more, Jake looked more closely at the small text on the bottom of the bar. It simply said “decadent milk chocolate.” He turned the package over, but only found a continuation of the artwork on the front. No nutritional information, no ingredients list, not even a mention of the company that made the bar. He thought such information might be on the box the bars came in, but they were instead stored in a generic cardboard container.
Still, Jake was curious enough to want to try it. Taking four bars from the box, he brought them up to the counter.
“Hello,” the clerk said as she saw him approaching. She had a sunny disposition about her, her cheeks glowing underneath the lights of the shop. However, as she looked down at Jake’s haul, the smile on her face faded a bit. “Just these?” she asked, still using her friendly customer service voice.
“Alright,” she said, before ducking below the desk and audibly rummaging about. When she emerged once again, she had a clipboard in hand. “I’m just going to need you to print your name and sign this, acknowledging that you have been informed that you should not eat more than one of these Instant Dad Bod bars in a 24 hour period, and you waive all responsibility for what happens if you do.”
“It’s a directive from the manufacturer, sir. We can’t sell this bar unless anyone who buys it signs this waiver.”
“No, I mean, what happens if I eat more than one bar?”
“Your guess is as good as mine, sir,” she said before pushing the form closer to Jake. Reluctantly, he printed his name on the form and signed it. “Thank you,” she said, before lifting the form to rip off the yellow copy below it. After scanning the bars and saying, “$5.60,” she stuck them and the copy of the form into a bag and rung Jake up. “Enjoy,” she said, regaining some of her enthusiasm. As Jake turned to leave, she said, “Oh, and if you do eat more than one bar in 24 hours, come back and let me know. I’m dying to know what happens.”
Jake unlocked the door to his apartment and kicked his shoes off at the entrance. After dropping the bag with his chocolate bars off in the kitchen, he went to his bedroom and took off his pants, tossing them in the hamper. His socks soon followed. Once he was down to a t-shirt and his underwear, he walked back into the kitchen, taking long steps with his lean legs as he pondered what to make for dinner.
Looking through his cabinets, Jake pulled the side of his lips inward in frustration as nothing stood out to him. With his regular food leaving him so cold, his mind turned to the chocolate, as did his gaze soon after. “Instant Dad Bod.” It was a humorous concept, but surely a mere bar of chocolate couldn’t appreciably change the shape of his body, right?
No, that was silly. But Jake was curious to know how the chocolate tasted. Closing the cabinet, he walked over to the table and took a bar out of the bag. Upon opening it, he beheld the flat bottom of a bar of milk chocolate. Turning it over didn’t reveal any perforations like he would have expected for a bar of chocolate than size. Then again, Jake thought, a company that was selling a bar called “Instant Dad Bod” probably wasn’t expecting its customers to break a chocolate bar into pieces to share or save some.
Upon turning the bar over, Jake could see some text written on the wrapper underneath it. Upon picking the bar up, he could read what it said: “Enjoy your Instant Dad Bod bar with all the gusto of a dad bragging about his grill! Just remember to not eat another Instant Dad Bod bar within 24 hours of eating this one. Dad said so!”
There was that warning again. Jake felt concerned about what one of those bars might to do to him if there were such warnings about eating more than one. But maybe it was just a way for the company to get out of any legal issues should a particularly chocolate-hungry and unhealthy customer blame the company for their bad decisions. Then again, the company’s name was nowhere to be found on the chocolate bar’s packaging, and how could anyone bring legal action against them without knowing who they were?
Regardless, Jake still wanted to try it. Putting the bar to his mouth, Jake let out an audible “Mmm” when it hit his tongue. It may have been just plain milk chocolate, but Jake had never had such delicious chocolate in his life. It was creamier than any chocolate he’d had, as if there were a cream filling inside. And yet, the taste of cocoa was even stronger than he was used to. It was like they’d managed to cram more milk and more chocolate into the bar than usual.
It didn’t last long. Jake gobbled down the chocolate bar as if he were on a time limit, enjoying it so much that he could barely slow down to savor it. It felt like immediately after he’d started it, he was licking his fingers clean of the chocolate that had melted on them. Well, that didn’t last long, he thought. Guess I’ll have to slow down next time.
With the chocolate bar gone, Jake resumed his search for something he could eat for dinner. But as he approached the cabinets to look inside, he was surprised to feel his abdomen hitting the counter sooner than he was used to. Even more strangely, he felt the counter slowly sink into his stomach, rather than hard stop like it had before. Confused, he looked down.
Jake’s jaw dropped. His formerly flat stomach had been replaced with a modest paunch of a midsection. It might have looked like he’s stuffed a small pillow under his shirt, if it weren’t for the fact that that shirt had ridden up to expose the bottom of his new belly. His hands cautiously grasped at the exposed flab, feeling the soft, heavy mass give in underneath his fingertips. It was a strange sensation for Jake, who’d never been fat in his life.
“Woah… it worked!”
Rushing back to his bedroom, Jake ran to take a look at himself in the mirror. The sight that greeted him did not disappoint. His belly looked even bigger in his reflection, and he could see that the rest of his body had expanded too. His arms and legs had thickened out, and his chest had its own protrusion as it stuck out over his belly. His face had lost some of its definition and detail, rounding out and smoothing the sharp edges. It seemed unbelievable, but he couldn’t deny it: he’d gone from a thin-framed body to a full-on dad bod.
“Hah, I can’t wait to go into work tomorrow and see everyone’s faces!” he said to himself, imagining all the surprised expressions he’d be in for, all the people who’d try to be polite and not say anything, but wouldn’t be able to take their eyes off him.
Jake had never been so disappointed to see himself skinny in the mirror. It was the morning after he’d eaten the Instant Dad Bod bar, and his body had returned to its normal size over the course of the night. His face was more chiseled, his arms and legs were thinner, and his belly was non-existent. As much disbelief as Jake had felt the previous night, he now felt even more, along with disappointment. He couldn’t remember the last time he was so excited to go into work, and now it was just going to be another boring day.
So when Jake got home, he went right for the kitchen, with the intent of eating another one of those bars to nurse his disappointment. He scarfed it down just as quickly as the first one, as if it was the first piece of chocolate he’d ever eaten, the taste managing to distract him from the utterly ordinary day he had. Of course, the distraction was short-lived, and soon he felt not all that dissimilar from how he did before. Only now he looked about 50 pounds heavier.
Like the first bar, this one had a message inside the wrapper warning him against eating another one within 24 hours. But after such an unremarkable day, Jake found himself feeling just a little bit devious, willing to take a risk and do something inadvisable. Plus, like the clerk at the store, he was curious to know what happened if one ignored the warning and ate a second bar.
Jake tried to do the sensible thing and leave the chocolate bars alone, but another bored search for something to have for dinner left enough time for that gnawing curiosity to grow inside of him. It was just a bar of chocolate. A really good bar of chocolate, but still just chocolate. What could it possibly do if eaten in excess, other than give him a stomachache?
Enough time passed that Jake decided the warning was silly. It must’ve been a gimmick to generate intrigue. Maybe it was just warning against a stomachache. After all, telling someone you shouldn’t eat too much chocolate, or you’ll ruin your appetite, was a very dad thing to do. And while Jake didn’t want a stomachache, he knew how to handle his chocolate. So, chuckling to himself for ever believing such a silly warning, he opened another bar of chocolate and dug in.
This time, Jake was finally able to slow down and savor the chocolate bar. It wasn’t exactly a subtle culinary experience, but he still enjoyed just how flavorful it was. He wasn’t sure he’d ever tried something that tasted that intensely of chocolate. Maybe that was what the warning was all about: some ingredient in the chocolate that some people couldn’t handle in excess. V. But Jake had a heardy stomach. He knew he could handle it. And so he enjoyed the oversized bar, each bite tasting even better than the last.
Still, even this bar couldn’t last forever. Down to his last bite, Jake tossed what remained in his mouth and let it melt all over his tongue. He relished the rich flavor, letting it linger until it naturally dissipated. He sighed a satisfied sigh, having finally gotten to fully enjoy the chocolate bar.
Once again Jake licked what was left on his fingers, not wanting any of the bar to go to waste. But something seemed a bit odd this time. His fingers felt strange in his mouth, almost unfamiliar. Possibly even… thicker?
Pulling his hand out of his mouth, Jake confirmed what seemed unbelievable. It felt like he was looking at the hand of a stranger, but it was his own, and it was fleshier than it had been before. His fingers looked sausage-like, while the palm of his hand was like a small pillow. Even his wrist seemed wider, and as he raised his arm, he saw that the rest of his arm had grown wider too, taking on a new found burliness.
Jake was so entranced by the change that he almost didn’t think to look down. Once he did, he saw that he growth was not isolated to his arms. His belly has grown beyond a dad bod size, closer in size to a beach ball than a pillow. Unable to contain the newly rotund mass, his shirt had ridden up around his chest, barely covering any of his belly. His belly was so big that, even leaning over, he couldn’t see any of his feet or legs.
And yet, he could definitely feel that his pants were way too tight around his waist. Reaching down for his belt, his arms were forced to push into his new expanse of flab. It was warm to the touch, but pushed back against his arms as they tried to reach down and undo the clasp. Once his belt was undone, he unbuttoned his pants, and breathed a sigh of relief as his fly was pushed down by the oncoming girth. His belly seems to push forward a little more once it had been given room to expand, and it definitely felt better for it.
With his ample gut freed of the confines of his pants, Jake breathed a sigh of relief and let his hands wander over the newly expanded mass. Even his previous experience with his dad bod was nothing like what it was like to have the big belly he bore now. His gut had much more heft to it, pushing back against his curious hands even as the supple flesh yielded underneath his touch. Twisting side to side, he could feel that it had much more weight to it. Walking around with a belly this big would take some getting used to. Even just standing forced him to arch back more than he usually did, to account for his shifted center of gravity.
And yet he just couldn’t leave well enough alone. Eying the third chocolate bar he thought to himself, “Well, I’m this far in already. I wonder what’ll happen if I eat that one too?” With a pause, he wondered whether that was really a good idea. He didn’t wonder for long. Soon, he was stepping toward the counter, his stance widened and his steps shortened to carry his new weight.
With his chubby hands, he picked up the bar and unwrapped it slowly, with a newfound respect for the power the bar had. Unlike with the second bar, he knew he was going to be getting himself into some unfamiliar territory. But his curiosity got the better of him. He picked up the bar, ignoring the warning on the wrapper underneath it, and took a bite.
Once Jake started eating the chocolate bar, it was very easy for him to keep going, enjoying the familiar yet wonderful flavor. Though each bite wasn’t quite better than the last like it had been before, It was plenty delicious for him to eat bite after bite, savoring the sweet treats. His eyes were closed as he ate, partly an enjoyment of the chocolate bar, and partly so that he be surprised by just what effect it had.
Once he finished the bar, he opened his eyes l, and indeed, he was not disappointed. His beach ball sized belly had grown to more resemble a beanbag chair, and was nearly as soft under his curious hands. Feeling over his newly rotund body in disbelief, his hands took quite a while to rub the entire surface of his belly from side to side. He was so taken by the new size of his belly that he almost didn’t notice how much his chest now jutted out over it, and how much wider his arms had grown. They were closer in size to how big his legs had been before the chocolate bars then they were to how big they had been originally. With his belly having grown so big, he couldn’t see how wide his tree trunk legs had grown, but grown they had, wider and stronger to carry his newly heavy frame.
But Jake was curious to know. So he waddled into his bedroom, unadjusted to maneuvering all of his new weight. In the mirror he saw that his legs had indeed grown wider, and his face had rounded out more, like a creampuff. He thought “creampuff” would be a good nickname for him given how he looked then.. He’s grown so much wider than “Dad bod” could describe, but he wasn’t sure there was a term for how big he was now.
“Fat,” he said to himself. “That’s the word for what I am right now.” There was no negativity or self-condemnation in his voice. It was just a fact. He was fat. He had ignored the warning from the candy store clerk and on the waiver that he had signed and on the inside of the chocolate bar, and it had made him fat.
“Serves me right, I suppose,” Jake thought as he rubbed his hands slowly over the globular mound of fat. It felt nice underneath his fingertips, pliable, but with a firm core underneath, like a comfortable couch. Reaching underneath his belly, he grabbed the flabby protrusion with his hands and lifted it, giving it all of his strength before he let it go. Feeling it bounce in front of him, he wavered back-and-forth a bit as the weight of his gut jostled him around. He smiled as he gave it a few gentle pats.
“I think I can get used to this,” Jake said as he rotated himself at the hips, admiring his new fat body. “I suppose I should pay that cashier at the candy store another visit.” With a chuckle, he wondered, “I wonder what sort of candy they’ll have in store for me this time.”